New Resolutions with New Revelations.

I am listening to my boyfriend and his friend discuss new video games and old moments. We have been working on things. My new resolution is to be confident. Be confident and not worry about things out of my control. So much of a relationship is out of my control. What I can control is my own actions. I can only worry about what I do, how I act, and most importantly how I react.

I came to these resolutions after a gigantic revelation. What sparked the revelation was doesn't matter. The revelation was that I can't control what he does, what other people do... I can only control how I react to things. So now that the conversation has moved on to Star Trek I shall react.

"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

I was in high school when I first read Tennessee William's play A Streetcar Named Desire.  While I really did not comprehend all of the play at the tender age of 14, I instantly understood that quote. Taken in the context of my own life, that phrase encompasses most of my life experiences. I have always depended on complete strangers. For instance, when my car broke down two days after moving to Florida. Or pretty much my entire first year in Florida. I have no guilt when a stranger offers me a helping hand. It's okay. I will never see them again. I simply need to pay it forward. Yet, when a friend offers a ride to the interview, a place to crash, a drink at the bar because I am broke and unemployed. I feel this tremendous amount of guilt. Guilty because I failed to provide for myself in some way.

This was until recently. After going through everything this past year, I have realize that I would not have been able to do it with out a little help from my friends. I would never have been able to make it through the unemployment, not getting into Ph.D. programs, the relationship drama... everything without all of you. Thank you so much for everything.

What is Fulfillment?

Today I was asked by someone if I changed careers would I be fulfilled. Currently I have an M.A. in Art History. My dream always was to work as a curator or an arts administrator. Somewhere between the B.A. in Art History and getting the M.A. in Art History that got lost in academia. While I was stressed, panicked and living in debt, I loved academia. Too bad it didn't love me back.  I have come to the conclusion... a little late granted... that I need to do what fulfills me & compensates. I need something I can make a living at. Not something that I would spend a living repaying.

What would make me fulfilled? (no particular order)

1. A career in the arts. Working with arts and works of art.
   
2. Something with a good amount of structure but flexible in daily activities. Example. To do something that requires going into an office but no one knows what I exactly do... like a curator or an agent.
3. A life outside of my job. For example to be able to read a book that isn't by Freud, Lacan, Fried, et al. To not be considered low-brow for reading David Sedaris.
4. Financial stability. To not be panicked if I miss a pay check. I can't even buy a groceries without wondering which bill I may have to skip out on. I want to have the means to go to the cafe and sit with a book all day.
   
5. To own a dog. (which ties back into number 4 and 3).
6. To work with a community. To work with local artists on some level. To get kids involved in the arts.
   
7. To be able to travel. To take vacations. To see and photograph the world ( I think either Greece or Chile next).
8. To come home. I have had lots of apartments, lots of places where I may have called home but never felt like home. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I felt at home somewhere and felt truly happy about it. And when I have felt like it, it wasn't home. My belongings were all in boxes and suitcases. Photos stuck up with push pins.  It was were I was living. Not home. 
9. To be independent. To take my boyfriend out for super, and not have him take me out every single time. To help my siblings when they graduate from college. Or at the very least a place where they can crash when they need to.
10. To give back to my mom. She's been so supportive through out all of this.
11. To finally feel happy and genuinely proud of the work I have done. In academia, there is always something that could have been stated better, reworked, etc. Never a completed project.
12. To not feel guilty about doing things that make me happy. I have yet to go to the beach and just enjoy being out near the ocean. I am always concerned about the cost of gas, what papers are waiting to be filled out, etc. I think I was 15 the last time I just enjoyed something without worrying.
    

Like a Rolling Stone...

Having time off has been both a blessing and a bit of a curse. It has given me time to think long and hard about a lot of issues that I have been putting off. It is a bit of a curse because not working is causing me to have panic attacks. Just the thought of paying bills (a. k. a. using my limited savings account) makes my heart race. AH! Yet, I have been able to think long and hard about a lot of things. My relationship, my future, my career, ... everything. To date I have applied for about 20 jobs since I was laid off. I wonder if I will ever find anything.

It has been getting harder and harder everyday. Everyday new expenses come up... like food, gas, etc. Everyday I am reminded that I am CRASHING at my boyfriend's condo... that this is not my home anymore.  Soon he is going to move out of here, and it is "just understood" that I need to leave as soon as possible. To find a job, a place to live, AND move everything (I don't have a car) are becoming larger and larger challenges. He has offered to pay for my flight back to MN, to pay for storage (while he stores his belongings), and has lent his car to me when I needed it. He has not charged me to stay here. All in all he has been very kind about those things.

It is hard when you are homeless to even consider starting your career. I can't even fathom find a job in my field at the moment. I need to do an internship before I can realistically apply for a job. I have been applying for jobs that are not in my field. They only pay marginally above the minimum wage. But I am desperate for a job. I am desperate for a source of income so I can pay my bills. It's hard to swallow when a year ago things looked so promising. Right now I just need to think about how I am going to pay for rent, for food, for bills, etc. I need a good paying steady source of income. That is my top priority.

In the meantime, I have been looking at law schools (too expensive), Ph.D. programs (too expensive), and fellowships (not enough pay).  I am considering more and more about moving to Chicago. DePaul has an excellent law school that focuses on copyright/intellectual property/art law. It's kind of amazing actually. It's also kind of expensive. :(  I need to pay off my credit cards before I go to law school. That is priority one. I think I can do it in under a year. FINGERS CROSSED. Which leads me back to my top priority.

Tomorrow I have to call student loans, reply back to unemployment, go to various appointments, and apply for a ton more jobs. *sigh* Now if only the panic attacks will stop. Now if only I can feel for five seconds like a normal person, not like a homeless bum.

Now to post several belongings for sale, throw, pack, shower, play dress up, and print about 40 resumes!