"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

I was in high school when I first read Tennessee William's play A Streetcar Named Desire.  While I really did not comprehend all of the play at the tender age of 14, I instantly understood that quote. Taken in the context of my own life, that phrase encompasses most of my life experiences. I have always depended on complete strangers. For instance, when my car broke down two days after moving to Florida. Or pretty much my entire first year in Florida. I have no guilt when a stranger offers me a helping hand. It's okay. I will never see them again. I simply need to pay it forward. Yet, when a friend offers a ride to the interview, a place to crash, a drink at the bar because I am broke and unemployed. I feel this tremendous amount of guilt. Guilty because I failed to provide for myself in some way.

This was until recently. After going through everything this past year, I have realize that I would not have been able to do it with out a little help from my friends. I would never have been able to make it through the unemployment, not getting into Ph.D. programs, the relationship drama... everything without all of you. Thank you so much for everything.

What is Fulfillment?

Today I was asked by someone if I changed careers would I be fulfilled. Currently I have an M.A. in Art History. My dream always was to work as a curator or an arts administrator. Somewhere between the B.A. in Art History and getting the M.A. in Art History that got lost in academia. While I was stressed, panicked and living in debt, I loved academia. Too bad it didn't love me back.  I have come to the conclusion... a little late granted... that I need to do what fulfills me & compensates. I need something I can make a living at. Not something that I would spend a living repaying.

What would make me fulfilled? (no particular order)

1. A career in the arts. Working with arts and works of art.
   
2. Something with a good amount of structure but flexible in daily activities. Example. To do something that requires going into an office but no one knows what I exactly do... like a curator or an agent.
3. A life outside of my job. For example to be able to read a book that isn't by Freud, Lacan, Fried, et al. To not be considered low-brow for reading David Sedaris.
4. Financial stability. To not be panicked if I miss a pay check. I can't even buy a groceries without wondering which bill I may have to skip out on. I want to have the means to go to the cafe and sit with a book all day.
   
5. To own a dog. (which ties back into number 4 and 3).
6. To work with a community. To work with local artists on some level. To get kids involved in the arts.
   
7. To be able to travel. To take vacations. To see and photograph the world ( I think either Greece or Chile next).
8. To come home. I have had lots of apartments, lots of places where I may have called home but never felt like home. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I felt at home somewhere and felt truly happy about it. And when I have felt like it, it wasn't home. My belongings were all in boxes and suitcases. Photos stuck up with push pins.  It was were I was living. Not home. 
9. To be independent. To take my boyfriend out for super, and not have him take me out every single time. To help my siblings when they graduate from college. Or at the very least a place where they can crash when they need to.
10. To give back to my mom. She's been so supportive through out all of this.
11. To finally feel happy and genuinely proud of the work I have done. In academia, there is always something that could have been stated better, reworked, etc. Never a completed project.
12. To not feel guilty about doing things that make me happy. I have yet to go to the beach and just enjoy being out near the ocean. I am always concerned about the cost of gas, what papers are waiting to be filled out, etc. I think I was 15 the last time I just enjoyed something without worrying.
    

Like a Rolling Stone...

Having time off has been both a blessing and a bit of a curse. It has given me time to think long and hard about a lot of issues that I have been putting off. It is a bit of a curse because not working is causing me to have panic attacks. Just the thought of paying bills (a. k. a. using my limited savings account) makes my heart race. AH! Yet, I have been able to think long and hard about a lot of things. My relationship, my future, my career, ... everything. To date I have applied for about 20 jobs since I was laid off. I wonder if I will ever find anything.

It has been getting harder and harder everyday. Everyday new expenses come up... like food, gas, etc. Everyday I am reminded that I am CRASHING at my boyfriend's condo... that this is not my home anymore.  Soon he is going to move out of here, and it is "just understood" that I need to leave as soon as possible. To find a job, a place to live, AND move everything (I don't have a car) are becoming larger and larger challenges. He has offered to pay for my flight back to MN, to pay for storage (while he stores his belongings), and has lent his car to me when I needed it. He has not charged me to stay here. All in all he has been very kind about those things.

It is hard when you are homeless to even consider starting your career. I can't even fathom find a job in my field at the moment. I need to do an internship before I can realistically apply for a job. I have been applying for jobs that are not in my field. They only pay marginally above the minimum wage. But I am desperate for a job. I am desperate for a source of income so I can pay my bills. It's hard to swallow when a year ago things looked so promising. Right now I just need to think about how I am going to pay for rent, for food, for bills, etc. I need a good paying steady source of income. That is my top priority.

In the meantime, I have been looking at law schools (too expensive), Ph.D. programs (too expensive), and fellowships (not enough pay).  I am considering more and more about moving to Chicago. DePaul has an excellent law school that focuses on copyright/intellectual property/art law. It's kind of amazing actually. It's also kind of expensive. :(  I need to pay off my credit cards before I go to law school. That is priority one. I think I can do it in under a year. FINGERS CROSSED. Which leads me back to my top priority.

Tomorrow I have to call student loans, reply back to unemployment, go to various appointments, and apply for a ton more jobs. *sigh* Now if only the panic attacks will stop. Now if only I can feel for five seconds like a normal person, not like a homeless bum.

Now to post several belongings for sale, throw, pack, shower, play dress up, and print about 40 resumes!

An Unemployed Christmas

It's important to not feel guilty about buying Christmas gifts. Remember--- if you give a gift, you will get a gift.  Hopefully that gift is cash!

The Glimmer of Hope...

Today I got a phone interview. I am so excited. A few years ago I would have thought of this as a negative sign, today I take it as a step in the right direction. I am so excited, nervous, and most of all hopeful. This is only the third interview I have had in about 300 job applications. So statistically that's 1 out of 100 times. That can't be that bad, right?

Fingers crossed. After all it is just an interview at this point. I need to keep pumping out those job applications, and keep packing/sorting/throwing. Yay! (I totally am doing the Mary Tyler Moore hat throw!)

At Home Remedies

If you are unemployed chances are that you are uninsured. This week my "boyfriend" gave me a major sinus infection.  Since I am too broke to stock up on generic drug store brand medication, and since I know his promise of getting some for me will not come through.... here are some handy dandy home remedies.

1. Inhale steam vapors. So go take that hot bath, shower, or sauna! Inhale deeply over your cup of reused teabag tea!
   
2. Consumption of garlic, or garlic juice. Gross? Maybe. Garlic is a natural anti-biotic and anti-fungal. My friend Dave used to swear by eating garlic. Every year when the college campus came down with the plague, David would be eating garlic by the cloves. He was the last one to get the plague and generally never down for long. I think I will stick with garlic pasta.
   
3. Stay away from dairy. The consumption of dairy leads to the production of mucus. Just ask any singer.
4. Nasal irrigation. NETTY POT! I love and swear by my netty pot. When I have one near by and start to get congested I just break out the netty pot. If you don't know what a netty pot is, then you are missing out.  It looks like a small genie lamp or tea kettle. You use it to wash out your sinuses by mixing a saline solution and then pouring the contents in one nostril. If you have your head angled right the saline will come out the other nostril, washing away mucus and other gross stuff with it. 
5. Consuming an obscene amount of fluids. Now don't drink yourself to death. If you're not one to grab a glass of water or drink a cup of tea, now maybe the time to start doing so.

Considering second-hand underpants

I think this video sums up a lot about what I am talking about:

Ways to re-organize your life.

I came back to Florida on Saturday. Reality decided to immediately fuck me over. I found out that my boyfriend has moved on with his life. His family is selling the condo that he told me he owned. His mother is paying for all the bills he said he was paying.  In the greater scheme of things this really only matters because he lied about it. That and I don't want to be that girlfriend... you know, the one that takes complete advantage of the whole family.

Now I am getting my life together. While I am applying for jobs here, I am shipping about 95% of what I own back to MN. It shall be stored for "free" (I am not paying the heating bills, my dad is) in a spare bedroom at my father's house. For everyone's information: UPS has the cheapest shipping rates if you choose UPS Ground. Thankfully, this has made me throw out quite a bit of stuff that should have gone when I moved in back in May.  I am three garbage bags full and only 10% done.

I am in the air over whether or not I will be moving back.  Okay, I know I am going to have to move back. I just don't want to admit to it. I want to believe that I can make this work, however that is a dream. It's like clapping for Tinker Bell. Seeing as how he is about to move back in with his parents and that he is planning on staying in Florida, it's not going to work. It would have worked out if I wasn't from MN. If I chose to stay in Florida for more than the next year or two. If only I had a job.  That's really what it boils down to: if only I had a job and didn't need to live at my parents.

The unfortunate upside to living at my parents is that I can pay down on my credit cards instead of paying rent. I can also get my CNA certification again, for free. If I became re-certified in Florida it would cost about $1,000. CNA certification is like Jesus teaching you to fish. You will always be able to find a job. If I am back in Minnesota, I can work on my credit rating (which tanked after graduate school). I can work on paying off my debts. AND most importantly I can work on what's going to happen next.

I am not upset or even bothered by the fact that he lives at home. I kind of want to live at home. The problem is that I didn't invite someone to come stay with me. That I didn't mislead about my situation. The moral of the story is this: BE HONEST. Tell your significant other that you're in a tough spot. That you can't help them out. Being honest is a better resolution than finding out later that UPS Ground is the best way to ship your life somewhere.

For all those considering applying for unemployment.

For those considering applying for unemployment, consider this first. The application process is confusing, frustrating, and does not take into consideration any employment such as assistantships, fellowships, work-study, or conference related payments.  The unemployment system is not up-to-date for the vast population of twenty-somethings. Be prepared if you are considering applying.

While the benefits are great, be prepared.  Read any information regarding your state's unemployment rules and regulations. My personal experience is with the state of Minnesota's unemployment.  Minnesota allows seasonal workers and people with out-of-state work experience to apply.  The catch-22 is you have had to earn $1,000 in the past three quarters, and only $250 in the current quarter. This is information blatantly posted on their website, in their brochures, and even part of their automated telephone system.   What they do not explain is what a quarter consists of (3 months make up every quarter).  Since they do not consider any employment that was gained as a student, this automatically disenfranchises anyone who recently went to school.

The other catch-22 is that you can very easily disqualify yourself by traveling out of state. In fact, you can even disqualify yourself by traveling out of your commuting area.  The state of Minnesota defines the commuting area within 25 miles of your home.  I recently applied for unemployment, however I left for Florida.  According to the completely annoyed service representative, I need to continue looking for work. "Looking for work" means that you list every employer's address and contact information for every place that you apply and interview at. You must apply to at least five positions a week.  The larger issue is that if the state of MN does not believe that I actually applied, they can deny my unemployment. Seeing as how I am not eligible for the benefits to begin with, I am not too bothered by this. Personally, this means I must apply for forbearance on my student loans instead of deferment.

If you are going to apply you should have the following prepared.

1. Find out if you need to go into an unemployment office or if you need to apply online or via telephone.
   
2. Have your driving license ready.
   
3. Your last paystubs for any job that you had within the past 18 months. Make sure you have addresses, names, or any other contact information your state may require. 
4. Make sure you know specific date of employment and the date you were laid off.
   
5. Be prepared that you may have to wait up to a week before you can start receiving benefits. In some states you may need to wait until the next quarter. For example if you were laid off in January, you may not receive payments until April. 
6. Call your student loans as soon as you have found out that you are eligible or not. Unlike credit cards, student loans are willing to work with you to pay your bills.
   
7. Whatever happens do not feel intimidated.  It happens to everyone. Now is the time to make finding a new job your job.
   

I'm not particularly poor nor am I rich.

I have an apartment, a (fairly) stable job as a bartender, a very unstable job as a translator, a full docket of classes and a dog. Awesome!
However. I keep getting these pesky student loan envelopes, emails, and phone calls. I wonder, in all reality, what I was thinking when I decided to take out close to 16,000 USD in order to study abroad in France. I equally raise my eyebrows, disapprovingly, when I recall the decision to drop out of my small university on the prairie and stay in Paris to follow the dream. Three years later; I am a bartender trying to get into a French university to study the utter definition of unemployment: Art History. Meanwhile I'm being harassed by: my home state to pay them 500 USD a month and a private loan company to pay another 100 USD a month.

Let's do the math: On an average month I make roughly 1200 euros. This translates at the current exchange rate of 1770 USD. Now, I have rent, electricity, internet, cell phone, and a monthly movie card to shell out to. Rent is 525 euros a month. Electricity ranges, but we'll say on average is 15 euros a month. Internet: 15 euros a month. Cellphone? 60 euros a month. Movie card? (hey you have to enjoy life's little pleasures!) 20 euros a month. So: that brings us to a grand total each month of: 635 euros a month. Ok. Then if you add the collective loan payment I have to pay another 475 euros a month leaving me with bills of a grand total of: 1110 euros a month. Leaving me 90 euros to eat. Which.... doesn't work. Expecting someone to live in any city on that much is ridiculous: especially considering my costs are lower than someone who would have to pay for health insurance, car insurance, car payment, etc. And what happens if there is an emergency? Dog has to go to the vet? I have to go to the hospital? My partner gets sick? The overdraft fees will start piling up and the careful budget I've made for myself all comes crumbling down.

So I'm back to the drawing board. So I don't pay my student loans. Because for me, its an option. There is a fairly good chance I won't be moving back to the states. Which lets me indulge myself in fantasies of living the high life in Europe whilst I have terrible, almost non existent credit in my home country. I feel almost exiled. While this is a problem, I think the more pertinent question should be asked: how did we get ourselves into this mess? If you're an OK student going to a state school and you come from a lower income family, you get grants and special loans. If you're an OK student from a middle class family its more difficult and you're obliged to take out private loans if your family can't help you. I know a handful of people whose parents paid for their education. The rest are struggling to try and understand how basic college education could bury them so deep in debt and control their lives.

Any student who took Advanced or AP classes in high school was pushed towards college and there was a definite divide between the kids who applied for state or private schools and the kids who went to community college. The stigma of going to community college was underlined not only by "intelligence" but also by class. The stupid kids went to community college and studied cosmetology or plumbing. The smart kids went to state or (even better) private school and studied Liberal Arts, Sciences, Management, etc. The super smart kids studied engineering or medicine., whether or not this interested them was irrelevant.

Today, however, looking back, the "smart kids" who were pushed in a certain direction now carry more debt than the "dumb kids" who studied a trade that generally offers steady employment. Who's laughing now?

Museum + Arts Related Employment Searches

Job postings for the arts. Some of the general job banks are posted on the side panel. If you know of any arts organizations that people should know about, feel free to comment or email. I want this list to grow and include resources for musicians, performers, et al.

Association for American Museums
http://www.aam-us.org/aviso/index.cfm

Association of Midwest Museums
http://www.midwestmuseums.org/jobs.html

Southeastern Museums Conference
http://www.semcdirect.net/membership_and_resources/jobs.html#CURATORIAL

Greater Philadelphia Cultural Alliance
http://www.philaculture.org/jobbank

Cultural Alliance of Greater Washington (D.C.)
http://www.cultural-alliance.org/cgi-bin/jbsearch.cgi

Cultural Alliance of Greater Milwaukee
http://www.culturalalliancemke.org/

Chicago Cultural Alliance
http://www.chicagoculturalalliance.org/

New York Foundation for the Arts
http://www.nyfa.org/default_mac.asp

Springboard for the Arts
http://www.springboardforthearts.org/

MN Artists.org
www.mnartists.org

Fractured Atlas
http://www.fracturedatlas.org/

WestMuse: Western Museum Conference
http://westmuse.wordpress.com/job-board/

At the Beginning...

I was just laid off from a shitty seasonal job. My boyfriend just told me that our relationship is on thin ice. My parents want me out. I have nothing but my laptop, some good friends, student loans, and the shirt on my back. My story is not new, nor unique. In some ways it's as old as time itself. You may read this and choose to see failure. I am choosing survival.

So let me start at the beginning. In May I graduated with my Master's of Arts from a semi-prestigious public university. I had a hard time finding a job, my lease ran out, and I moved in with my boyfriend in Florida. Things weren't great but at least I had a home and someone who loved me. That's more than most people in this world. When August came, I could no longer pay my bills and had to move back home to MN. I left everything at home with my boyfriend. From August till yesterday I worked a shitty factory job in my home town. Every day I applied for new jobs. To be specific, I have applied for 75 positions (not counting the ones where you upload your resume and apply to multiple positions at once).

Everyday I heard about my high school classmates from their parents. "Well MY daughter has three kids and works." "MY son just bought his first house and just got married in June." I tried not to laugh in their faces. Being married, laden with a couple of kids, and paying mortgage payments at 25 is not for me. I just told people "I am saving up to move to D.C. My boyfriend is going to law school there."

Recently, I came to the realization that my boyfriend and I are no longer as close as we used to be. I burned him out with too many phone calls, asking too much, and planning things without talking to him. I bought my one way ticket before I came to this realization. I was laid off yesterday. I am devastated. I can't stop crying. I want to make things work out. Make my relationship work out, make my job work out, and, more importantly, make my life work out.

But on the same page, I suddenly am starting to feel that same sense of freedom I felt at 18. That sense of go anywhere, do anything. No rush to a career. Just because I have an MA in Art History does not mean that I have to refrain myself to a career in academia or in the art world. Why not move back to Florida and try and make this relationship work out? Why not work as a waitress or a CNA? Why not teach English in Prague? Why not work in hostels around the Pacific? Why not move to Boston and start over in a year or two? Thus, here I go. Armed with a laptop, the will to do what I want, and a limited savings account I am going to make my life an open book.