Freaking Out!

I am freaking out. My life is getting there, but still stuck in a rut. I am more than 90% certain that I want a job. Jobs require experience, and the jobs I want require internships. I knew that going in. I totally knew that. Problem: I am working a standard 8-5 job that will not allow internships. To make the money that I need to make, I either need two part-time positions or a flexible full-time position that will allow for an internship.

The other alternative is going back to school. I want to get my Ph.D. eventually. Eventually was always the key word. I want to work before I go back to school. I feel like I have to. I can not get good letters of recommendation at this point. Maybe I could... however last time, they were not good enough to get in.

AH!

What am I to do? Staying in Florida is not an option. It is not, nor can it every be one. I must leave. I have to continue in my career.

Well, This is what I have so far:

1. Retake GRE's in June
2. Save up $3,000
3. Go to Baltimore, Boston, or Minneapolis

What do you think? Honestly!

YAY!

Hello y'all!
Sorry for not posting as often, however, I have been very busy. I was recently hired! SO good news there. The position is in Florida. SO happy. The job is challenging (in a good way!).  It will be good, so hopefully they let me stick around.

As for other things: Life has been very good. The BF and I had our one year anniversary on Saturday. We went out for dinner and I got a huge bouquet of flowers. He got a free meal from where we went on our first date. (He got it a year ago, and I told him I would get it the next time!)

I am also sitting in on an evening class that is taught by a former chair member. The class is amazing. Entitled Contemporary European Art, it focuses on an exhibition that is opening in February.  The class revolves around democracy/capitalism/foreign affairs and art.  It is making me rethink my own artist practice and getting my mind going on other art historical topics.

Optimism Looms Large.

I just read this great article by the NYTimes.com about people adapting to the recession.
Architect for 5cents

If I had the financial backing, I would totally start my own little business somewhere. What kind of business, you ask? I would start a small bakery/tea house and up scale gallery/exhibition space. I would rent out the exhibition space to artists on a sliding scale. Provide some exhibition tools and allow them the space that is nearly impossible to find on your own. I would provide advertisement and food as the bakery downstairs would be open for business while the show ran. Maybe have performances by local bands on Saturdays in the gallery? The bakery would be a place where college students, beatniks, ...anyone really... could hang out. Free internet. Cheap (but amazing) coffee and great teas. Actual sandwiches and light meals. After 9pm we would sell wine... I would hire all my friends who are looking for work. It would be amazing. Any takers for financial backing?

Question of the Moment.

If you had no obligations (beyond bills), had the open choice to go anywhere... do anything... what would you do?

Here are my thoughts on this subject, in no particular order:

1. Move to Europe
2. See the world
3. Backpack around Asia
4. Go back for a phd and a law degree or maybe an mfa
   
5. Travel to Morocco (yes. again!)
6. Lose 75 pounds
7. Buy a car
8. Pay off my credit cards
9. Get a career
10. Live in Europe
11. Live in New York City
12. Pay off all my debts to friends and family
13. Find a home.

Yeah This Explains A Lot Too...

Why Does This Sum Everything Up?

Well I Guess There is a Silver Lining After All.

http://www.usnews.com/money/careers/articles/2009/12/28/curator.html

US News & World Report recently ranked the top 50 best careers of 2010. One of them was (drum roll please) Curator. Yay! Too bad the demand for curators doesn't meet the number of people thinking they are curators.

Every year, universities and art schools are pumping out more and more graduates who are expecting to find a career in the arts. What they generally never tell you is that you're university will not help you try and find a job. I have been laughed at by so many career counselors, it's actually kind of sad. I once asked about job postings in the arts. My undergrad career counselor literally said: "Don't waste you're time looking for a job in the arts. Now, I have an opening at a car dealership. Why don't you apply to this?"

Yeah. Really helpful. It has taken the past four years to accumulate the information I have on art jobs.
There is no easy answer like there are for secretaries, sales, business, etc. Lawyers, doctors, my 90 year old neighbor who was a housewife her entire life.... they all have better odds at finding a job than someone who wants to into the arts (this is purely based on observation). It takes years to earn a decent living in the arts. I blame this on the fact that most galleries, museums, art centers, etc. do not receive the funding that they need. Since the mid-1980's the government has serious slashed the funding to the arts. (When PBS says that Big Bird could literally be living on the streets, they really do mean it!)

If you want to work as a gallery attendant/curatorial assistant/etc., you either need:
1. no to low student debt.  2. a trust fund. 3. about four other jobs 4. or a combination of all.

This doesn't make the field impossible. If you have a graduate degree the field is a little better. You could theoretically find jobs that pay $35,000-$40,000. (Please note that an MBA would get you $120,000 in your first year.)   So I guess I should be happy that my field is going to be hiring an additional 2,700 people this year. Now, to beat out the other 50,000 job applicants!

And the Refrain Goes...

"I need a job first." "I can't until I get a paycheck." "No job, no food."

These are the refrains I have adopted to my boyfriend's suggestions. No, I can't play the new StarTrek beta because I have job applications piling up. No, I can't run to the grocery store on my way back. I can't afford to. No, I can't go with you to the beach tomorrow. I can't justify sitting on the sand when bills are piling up. 

Ugh, unemployment is a complete strain on our relationship. I wonder if we were both employed if this would be as tough as it is. I feel completely guilty about going out with friends. I spent $15 the other night. The panic attack that ensued there after was so bad I almost had to go to the ER. My boyfriend has always been incredibly understanding about this, however, we need groceries. We need toilet paper. We need basic items and I can not contribute. If I do run over to a friend's place, it would make sense and help out a lot of if I could just run an errand or two. (Especially since we live in the suburbs and have only one car).  Yet I can't contribute. I am dependent on him, more and more as time goes on.

I am ready for a job. In fact, I have been ready since May 2009. Ok. So if I don't get a job by the end of next week I am off to the recruiter's office.

How Do You Say That?

The longer I am back in Florida the more confused I become about things. The more confused I become about my relationship, employment situations, housing situations,... everything. Okay. That's a bit melodramatic. Not everything. Just one thing. The relationship hit rock bottom and has started to pick back up. Things are going much better, but they are nowhere near perfection. There is still a lot of distance compared to this summer. I knew that things would never be the same. I guess I am just having a hard time being homeless. By homeless I don't mean houseless. I can stay here but this is not my home. He has made that clear. I need move on. It really is for the best.  Perhaps I should back up a bit.

We started dating in January 2009. Things were great. We committed really fast to the relationship. In part this was due to the fact that I had applied to Ph.D. programs and he was going to law school. We knew going into this that we would probably be a long distance relationship. Then I found out that I didn't get into any of my Ph.D. programs. We talked about it (but clearly not thoroughly enough) and I was going to with him to D.C. where he was going to law. We talked about marriage, kids, a lot of things. When I graduated I had no where to go. My lease was up and I was going to move back to MN. That was until he asked me to move in with him. I moved in and could not find a job. Not here in Florida, Minnesota, Timbuktu, or anywhere. I have applied to so many positions that there are too many to count. I should mention that these were primarily in my field. Regardless of my employments situation, his place became our place (at his insistence). For the first time in years I felt like I had a home. An actual home was something that I have always wanted and never really had. It didn't matter that he inherited the place with all of his grandparents furniture. I turned a blind eye to all of the unfinished remodeling and boxes filled with his grandparents belongings. I never questioned why he didn't get his mail here or why all of his belonging (besides his PS3 and massive flat screen) were still at his parents. None of that mattered. This was home. We were going to move soon anyways.

Then a job opened up in my hometown in Minnesota. I had to take it because I had used all of my savings, sold my car, and was about to join the army. I would only be gone for a few months. Then things started to fall apart after two months. The move was really sudden (4 hours from application to buying my ticket) and we didn't have much time to talk things through. After two months we started to fight... a lot. It came out that he never wanted to go to law school.  I worked at a large factory in a small town. When he worked days, I was working evenings (3 PM to 1 AM).  I would call after work like he requested. Unfortunately, I began to call more and more. Often times crying my eyes out. I was so depressed. I felt like I failed at everything. I was burning him out from all of the phone calls. Five days before I was to fly back he told me that this was never my home. That I was not welcome back. I was only able to stay here while I sorted my affairs and had to be out by Christmas.

When I landed, things were icy at best.  He stayed out all night with friends, telling me he was at his parents. I figured this out when his parents would call demanding to know where he was the following morning. Eventually we started to talk. It came out that he was hurt, that I was hurt, so hurt we didn't know about anything anymore. Now I am here. At times things seem like they were six months ago. It's getting harder and harder to pack my life away. It's becoming easier and easier to fall into old patterns. But then I remind myself that he is selling the condo. That it hasn't even been a month yet. That this isn't my home.

I often need to remind myself of the facts. Fact one: I am crashing at my boyfriend's place in a gated community far from everything. Even if I had a job, I would need reliable transportation to it. William has a car. I don't. I can't depend on him for a ride to work everyday.  Fact two: It is becoming clearer and clearer that my future is not in Florida, unless I find employment soon. He is committed to living here. His family is here, his friends are here. My friends are everywhere. Some here. Some there.  They are all across the nation. Fact three: My desires, my life choices, my needs are not taken into consideration. He is going to stay here and if we want this to work I need to be here. It doesn't matter that I am not happy here, that I am 1,500 miles away from my family. He needs to be here for his parents. He can go to school here and live for cheap here. Fact four: I miss my family. Most of my friends live up north. I miss the cold, and the snow. I miss diversity, and being able to go out and not have to ask my friends for a ride. I miss public transportation. I miss being able to walk where I need to go. I miss being able to spend all day at a coffee shop and only pay a few bucks for tea or coffee. I miss my old life.

Now I am left with a dilemma. On the one hand I want to tell him that I miss our home. That I want to keep living with him. On the other hand I miss my life. I guess I just don't understand why we can't move to an apartment downtown... and give it another go for awhile. Or why he won't throw caution to the wind and move up north for awhile.  I just have a lot to sort through.

AH!

I am sitting in on this fantastic class. Too bad I am too poor to check out the books from the library or even consider buying them from Amazon. :(  Honestly I am sick of not having a job. I can't stand not making money, not having a schedule, not doing anything but writing cover letters and sending out resumes. I AM OVER IT!

Seriously, I have seven jobs ready to go. I am working on the cover letters now. But I just can't take this for much longer. I would like a job now, please. Something that pays well, with benefits, and in a large city would be preferable.

PLEASE?!?!?!?

Norah Jones Saved Me Today.

Music documents my life. Doesn't it document everyone's life? The beautiful thing about music is that the affect can change over years. At one point a song can stand for complete confusion. At another point in time it can be a soothing influence. Then, years down the road it becomes something of a memory on its own. Divorced from the original emotion.

I listen to music more than I should. My thesis is a direct effect of my addiction to records. Instead of writing a chapter, I would find the penultimate moment on the Queen II record. Many of my more impulsive memories are directly linked to specific songs. When I reflect back on those moments, I no longer hear dialogue as much as I hear a specific soundtrack.  Nights driving in the country are no longer filled with lame jokes and gossip, but Norah Jones' melodic Come Away With Me album. The shouting and screaming while jumping off the cliff at Red Rock, and the pain thereafter, have been replaced with Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire. "  Warp Tour 2003- "When I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls (long story involving construction workers).  

During those moments, those songs had a completely different meaning. Often times I was merely addicted to the song. Or more frequently, it was playing on the radio.  Now some songs have so much emotional charge that if I hear them on the radio or in the mall, I stop and slowly inhale. I just have to pause. Reflect and recall that friend I no longer talk to, or that boy I once loved.

Now, as I am on the breaking point, often it is music alone that can ease the panic attacks. Norah keeps my heart from leaping out of my chest. My iTunes is my most precious belonging. While prosac is dirt cheap, iTunes is free. Especially now as I seem to own fewer and fewer possessions my music collection keeps me going. Soon I will have to sell my record collection. I will be devastated that day, but if I can't find a job... I have bills to pay. At least I will still have Norah for the time being.

Cover letters...Yelp?

Writing cover letters is always difficult. Personally, I can never say the right thing. I always stress one aspect too much or too little. Finding the balance is tough. I always feel like I am not standing out enough. When you are up against 200-300 other applicants for the same entry level position, you NEED to make that cover letter pop. Here are some great links for writing great cover letters.

http://chronicle.com/article/How-to-Write-Appealing-Cove/46284/
http://www.career.vt.edu/GraduateStudents/Documents.html
http://www.career.vt.edu/JOBSEARC/coversamples.htm#Sample 3.1

New Resolutions with New Revelations.

I am listening to my boyfriend and his friend discuss new video games and old moments. We have been working on things. My new resolution is to be confident. Be confident and not worry about things out of my control. So much of a relationship is out of my control. What I can control is my own actions. I can only worry about what I do, how I act, and most importantly how I react.

I came to these resolutions after a gigantic revelation. What sparked the revelation was doesn't matter. The revelation was that I can't control what he does, what other people do... I can only control how I react to things. So now that the conversation has moved on to Star Trek I shall react.